I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
