I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
