i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
