i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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