She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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