What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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