and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
