Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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