I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
