i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
