i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
