I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
