I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
