I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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