you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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