mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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