It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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