Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
