so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
