Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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