Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
