I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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