Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
