Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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