dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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