Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
