this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
