every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
