That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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