I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
