grandma shit on top of the toilet
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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