I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
