dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
