That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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