do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
