Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
