he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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