i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
everyone is single if you try hard enough
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
