I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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