i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
