Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
