I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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