just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
