I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
