my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
