life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You made out with two different species that night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
