Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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