Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
