The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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