I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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