i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
