I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
my liver is dry heaving
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
