Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
