I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
